Jun 6

Written by: kerilynn
6/6/2009 4:00 AM

January 5, 2009 - the official day I was told that I have breast cancer.  Looking back, I guess I knew something wasn't right when I found the lump and when they did an immediate biopsy with my mammogram and when the doctor's office called to tell me to bring someone with me to my doctors appt on the 5th.  I stayed positive and kept telling myself that it is nothing - just a cyst.  As soon as I saw the doctor's face when she walked into the room I knew that everything was NOT alright.  That half hour is a complete blur to me now but I do remember just feeling in a complete state of shock.  I am 36 years old and I just had two babies - breast cancer is something that older women are supposed to be concerned about.  I am still trying to figure out how to get my baby to sleep through the night.  Cancer, aggressive, lymph nodes positive, surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and then the part of the conversation I do remember - depending on where it has spread, we are talking number of years.  That is when I completely broke down.  I have two young babies and they are why my life has meaning  - how could God give me something so precious and then take it away from me.  That night I told my parents and brother my terrible news.  I am very close to my family and it broke my heart to tell them my news.  They were devastated and by the end of the night, I was the strong one who was consoling them.  Fortunately, my kids really do not understand what is happening to mommy so it is a good distraction for everyone.  They need me and I need them to keep my mind focused on something other than having cancer.  I couldn't sleep that night and spent the night on the couch sobbing and feeling so scared.    I have never felt so helpless before.  All that I could think about was my children and missing out on their life.  It was around 4:00 am in the morning and I was exhausted but my mind would not stop.  Then something amazing happened - I felt a hand on my shoulder and when I looked up, no one was there.  An incredible amount of peace surrounded me and I was able to finally fall asleep.  My guardian angel was there to let me know everything was going to be okay regardless of the end result.  That is one of many blessing that have been brought my way since my diagnosis.  I never thought cancer and blessing would ever be in the same sentence but my list keeps getting longer and I hope I can share it with you in my blog.

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